he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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