I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
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