Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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