Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
