The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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