like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
