I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I deserve this hangover.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize