How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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