so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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