God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
