And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
