Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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