Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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