Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
