um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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