my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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