I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
