First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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