At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
