How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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