So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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