Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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