You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
