Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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