Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
