Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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