I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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