just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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