I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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