Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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