Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
