I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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