cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
