you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
