dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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