the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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