my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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