She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
