She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
