Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
