Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Randomize
