I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Are my feet made of real feet?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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