woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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