I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
