my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
