She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
