The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
