Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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