I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
