if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
