I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
