can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Randomize