I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
