new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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