So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
