That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
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