First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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