I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
