if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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