She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
don't judge my taste in strippers
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
