In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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