We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
