i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
