apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
